The Edges of Things
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The Elephants Only I Can See

The Elephants Only I Can See
Published February 2022, TMP Magazine
CNF lyrical prose/poetry


I pay attention to the darkness in my breathing by focusing on the elephants only I can see.

When I say “pay,” I mean full cash payment up front, like the time my husband just wanted to cut up an avocado for lunch, and instead drilled a serrated knife into the base of his index finger. He left his payment on the kitchen floor and the countertop. He even sacrificed some nerves.  

When I say “attention,” I mean the scrape of the catheter that was threaded up my groin on a mission to burn misbehaving cardiac cells. I mean the tone of my unsedated voice ricocheting around the electrophysiology lab, bouncing off the computer screens, it burns. What I really meant was you’re burning me, so, when I say “attention,” you know, I mean, the wave of fentanyl that came way too late.

When I say “darkness,” I mean the ledge outside of Ansel’s Cave, where at night I hear packs of coyotes dispatching their prey by ripping into it on the Sharon conglomerate. Their echoing howls run slick, right down through the rocks, right down through the mossy pebbles, right down to the roots of the ginormous tree that everyone just knew was going to fall, that everyone felt could not withstand one more Lake Erie blow. That thing’s gonna have to come down, everyone said, or it’ll be in the way of everything when it falls. They said falls, but I know they meant fails. That’s what everyone means when they talk about things in imminent danger of falling.

When I say “breathing,” I mean the release of desperate puffs of regret, in that tone of voice someone uses when they’re about to break me apart and they know it, but they do it anyway. I mean the mocking scream of adrenaline oozing towards my extremities digging deep into my limbic system, prying me out of the bed, begging me to do something, fight or flee, but don’t just lie there and sweat and gasp.

When I say “focus,” I mean that day I was walking up Pioneer Bridle Trail and I saw an old woman on the trail with her blind dog and she said to her little dog, don’t call me an old woman. As I passed by, she said, I can walk to the moon and back because I still have great legs. I nodded, while she hunkered over the little blind dog, leading him by his heart, in teeny looping circles all around the trail.

When I say “elephants,” I mean that through my greyish astigmatism, through my old farsightedness, through the back glow of the villages of Burton and Middlefield to the northeast, our trees break in such interesting ways, looking like a failed sympathetic nervous system or elephants. That matriarch right there, stands guard over me, her vast back flank leading the way, the rest of her herd following along behind her, around the perimeter of the distant easement.

When I say, “only,” I mean that the matriarch will pin all of my poachers, with the precision of a gladiator, one tremendous knee crushing their backs, one tusk, one jab, one last, deep thrust for grievances past.
​  
When I say “see,” I mean the resentment in the chambers of my heart, where I shove blood artlessly between grief and tornados, like the one that uprooted the biggest, strongest tree in our woods, when it was just minding its own damn business. 

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  • Something You Don't Know Yet - Chapbook with ShabdAaweg Press
  • Buy Chapbook Something You Don't Know Yet at ShabdAaweg Press
  • About
  • Contact
  • Mouthful of Storm- Wild Roof Journal/lyrical prose
  • This Blood Is Beautiful-Wishbone Words/CNF
  • No One Writes About Agnes-The Red Fez Literary Magazine/CNF
  • Mine-Hearth & Coffin/CNF
  • The Elephants Only I Can See-TMP Magazine, Lyrical Prose
  • Dust-Miniskirt Magazine/CNF
  • The Woman With Mice-Misery Tourism/Fiction
  • How to Wake Up Feeling Dangerous-Anti Heroin Chic Magazine/Poetry
  • Bone World-Prometheus Dreaming/lyrical prose
  • I Know a Wall When I See One - Tangled Locks Journal/CNF
  • Animal Instinct- Pangyrus Literary Magazine/CNF
  • Tick-HerStry/CNF
  • Handler-Anti-Heroine Chic Magazine/CNF
  • When the East Wind Comes-Months to Years Literary Journal/CNF
  • The Man with the Round Tomatoes in the Square Baskets-Prometheus Dreaming/CNF
  • Pandemically Yours
  • Chariotless God-Kalopsia Literary Journal/CNF
  • The Dead Are Holding Something Back-Prometheus Dreaming/CNF
  • The Carving Tree-Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Along Third Street-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Me Going Gone-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • For Grief and For Ironing-The Feminine Collective/lyrical prose
  • When the New People Came-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • At the Mercy of my Own Forgetting-Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • The Rent I Pay-Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • By the Dead Purple Lady-The Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Unbearably Gone-The Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Evidence of a Struggle-The Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Your Phone Call-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Sylvie of the Stone Stoop-Intermission/poetry
  • Charlie's Assessment-Intermission/poetry
  • Signed, Legally Ryn-Intermission/poetry
  • It's Been Raining-Intermission/poetry
  • Fingerprint Failure-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Bolstered by the Flask-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • I Hear Them Bleeding Hope-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • I'm Partial-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Inside Out Pain-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Probably Confabulations-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine-poetry
  • Revenant Gloam-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Lies Heavy-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Mark of the Empty-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Barely Aloof-Poet's Haven Digest Anthology, The Distance Between Insanity and Genius/poetry
  • Fata Morgana-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Time Will Spend Us-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • I Cannot Make Permanent Things-The Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • A Silence Necessary-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Tidally Locked-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Blue, I Think-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Revenant Gloam-The Write Launch Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Swiftly Flying Shadow Bands-The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Apostle of Disbelief-Poet's Haven Digest, It Was a Dark and Stormy Night AnthologPublished in The Poet’s Haven Digest Anthology, Strange Land and in The Blue Nib Literary Magazine/poetry
  • A Measurable Objective-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Cacti Toucher-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Mean Free Path-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • I am a Bridge-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • A Gurney for Me-The Feminine Collective/poetry
  • Just the Other Stuff-The Feminine Collective/poetry
  • A Valid Exit-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetryu
  • Everything Hard is Tangled-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • On Zillow-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Out by the Shed-Impspired Literary Magazine/poetry
  • Press