Apostle of Disbelief
Published Poet’s Haven Digest, It Was a Dark and Story Night Anthology December 2018
A revised version of this poem also appeared in The Blue Nib Literary Magazine
poetry
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It was a dark and stormy night
born from sight stealing light
and sterile preoccupation
doused in antiseptic
and led by misguided superiority

the most silent thing in the room was me
lying arms spread
velcroed down
amid summoning circuitry
and questioning beeps

and the Blacksmith Surgical Cesarean Section Set
88 gleaming instruments of disregard
lined up neatly
with authority
and one purpose

I spoke politely
first
then with growing urgency
then with repetitious bluntness
“I am not numb on my right side.”

he was full up on Disbelief
founded entirely upon an utterly
blind belief in some other thing
that the logic and boundaries of his world
would not allow for me

the staccato of his ‘S’s’
hissed so close to my ear
I could feel the moisture
in his breath
“The worst is over.”

my heart pounded His Machines
warning
mustering
until my veins burned with the poison of silence
until my vision spilled in lazy circles

until reason was blunted nearly gagging me
“You drugged me,” I wailed
shocked by my disacknowledgement
and numb only with the realization
that no outward force would compel

this man to hear me
when the scalpel sliced
supremely sharp
against the layers of my abdomen
its awful beauty too much

for my nervous system to process
I was the loudest thing in the room
even next to the swearing of my OB
the horrific clamor of 87 instruments hitting the floor
the footsteps of so many people scrambling

and the Apostle of Disbelief
defending his crime of Unwillingness
louder than them all
when the Man and His Machines
undid me

​under the sight
stealing light
and the sterile preoccupation
of certainty
it was a dark and stormy night.

​